For over a decade I forced myself to deny my heart’s desires and go after career goals and aspirations that had more to do with what other people wanted than what my heart did. I figured, like lots of folks do, if I just check off this list of things (house, job, education, family, etc.) I would be satisfied. But when I got there, I was still unhappy.

I had a master’s degree, a full time job helping others in higher education, a custom-built suburban home, a marriage, and a child. I had everything I was told would make me happy, but I was still miserable.

Symptoms of my Core Unhappiness

I felt ashamed. What was wrong with me that I could have everything and still be unhappy? And when you are unfulfilled, you look for ways to “fill up”…

I didn’t know what the real problem was. I just knew I was unhappy.

So I drank.

First a little.

Then a lot.

And when the liquor store worker starts to know you by first name…you have a problem. But I didn’t know what the real problem was. I just knew I was unhappy, despite having everything.

After hitting my rock bottom in 2017 and nearly throwing myself off a bridge and leaving my 2-year old son and husband behind, I had a change of heart…or well..my heart had a change of me.

I had trapped my heart in a prison of other people’s expectations of the “right way” of living. But what could be more wrong than denying your heart its happiness??

Understanding my True Identity as a Creative

I remember like it was yesterday. The energy was immense and pink and loving. It hit me like a wave and was so overwhelmingly loving that I broke down and cried, watching as all the shattered pieces of my life were stitched together in a perfect mosaic and I saw the truth.

I was creative. A very, very repressed creative.

I realized I was an artist (and always had been) who was pretending to be something I wasn’t.

I had trapped my heart in a prison of other people’s expectations of the “right way” of living. But what could be more wrong than denying your heart its happiness??

Thus, my creative and spiritual awakening journey began, exploding in a swirl of writing and painting combined with meditation and journaling, as all manner of authentic self expression unleashed. I didn’t realize how much repressed creativity and suppressed emotions lived in me, stemming all the way back from childhood, that just wanted to be seen and heard. The more I expressed creatively the lighter I started to feel, like layers of heavy blankets being pulled off my spirit. 

Shortly thereafter, Awakened Creators was born in my mission to help others find the joy within that I did. I was tired of seeing creative souls suffering in jobs they hated, doing what they were told would make them happy (like I was) and being miserable day in and day out. I had broke free from my own prison and I was ready to help others do the same.

Choosing to Live a Creative Life Instead

Five years later, I am officially done with my unfulfilling 9-5 job and traveling the world full-time with my family, all while serving the creative community I love through Awakened Creators and expressing my own creativity through my writing and painting. I never thought I could be this happy!

And don’t think I had some formulaic plan or strategy. In no way did I imagine things happening like they have. The Universe is so much more intelligent than I. All I knew was that creative expression was the answer and honoring it (despite how scared I was to follow my creative passion) has freed me to pursue the life of my dreams. Not to mention…doing a TON of inner work so I could do the outer work I loved.

I share this raw truth about my past battle with addiction and suicide because it all led me to this moment. A moment my heart has waited all my life to feel again. Freedom. Joy. Purpose. And I believe you can make the shift as well, even if you are just at the beginning of your journey. So if you are told you have everything, but you are still unhappy, consider that you might be a repressed creative and let’s open the doorway to your heART. 

You are in the right place I promise.

Welcome home, Awakened Creator.